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Why are so many people feeling stressed today?

Do you feel you are up against an insurmountable brick wall. Are you distraught and feel that you cannot do anything about this? Do you feel disconnected from life?

“I work therefore I am stressed. I have a busy life and responsibilities. My job is stressful and I cannot change this. I have to earn a living”.

“There is something wrong with me”.

In our heads we have our thoughts and the stories we tell ourselves. You may feel you have lost control, but have you?  Rather than make yourself wrong for having this problem, ask yourself where am I not saying no? Do you have to earn the world’s respect? We inherit beliefs from our culture, our family and friends in the world we inhabit. In our culture their maybe the belief: “Men have to be strong”…. “You shouldn’t be feeling this way”…. “You have a nice life, so what’s the problem?”

Do not make yourself wrong for feeling the way you do. We carry our past with us. What is the belief you have about yourself? You  may believe  “I will never be good enough. If I achieved this I would be okay, if I had this I would be happy.”

Our  behaviours are influenced by our childhood. We cannot change what happened to us in our past, but by understanding the influence this has had,  it can change the future for us. Therapy with a trained counsellor can help you through the maze. If we look at the thoughts we have as a result of our upbringing or what happened to us in the past, and  look at the emotional pain, the future can be changed in a positive way. We carry our wounds with us and our  feelings and behaviour are a symptom of this. In a relationship we may put the responsibility on our partner to make us feel loved and confident. Your partner cannot do this for you.

“If I work harder I will succeed. If I was perfect at this, life would be better.” There is something wrong with me. These constant thoughts fill your head”. We have roughly 12,00 thoughts per day. I wonder how many of those are negative, judging yourself? Are you becoming physically ill more often?

Use this as an opportunity to learn. Take the time to become curious about why you are anxious and stressed and be willing to do the work. This will change your life.

Poem

If you think you are beaten, you are,

If you think that you dare not, you don’t,

If you’d like to win, but think you can’t,

It’s almost certain you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost,

For out in the world you’ll find

Success begins with a fellow’s will –

It’s all in the state of mind.

Full many a race is lost

ere even a step is run,

And many a coward falls

ere even his work’s begun,

Think big, and your deeds will grow;

Think small, and you’ll fall behind;

Think that you can, and you will –

It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are out-classed, you are;

You’ve got to think high to rise:

You’ve got to be sure of yourself

before you ever can win a prize,

Life’s battles don’t always go

To the stronger or faster man;

But sooner or later the man who wins

Is the man who thinks he can.

Walter D. Wintle

No to New Year Diets and Ads for Self Improvement. Love you and your Body. Just as you are.

— Poem from Donna Ashworth in her book “Life”.

MIRROR

Mirror mirror on the wall

I see no care if I’m big or small

you see I realised long ago

that looking at you brings such woe

and so instead I look within

and made a pact that I’d begin

to see myself clear in my head

and take away the mirror dread

so now when I catch my reflection

I do not notice my complexion

instead I see a friend I know

someone I like from head to toe

and if perhaps you feel the same

allow these words to break that chain

the mirror should not be your foe

it’s time to let that struggle go

mirror mirror on the wall

I shall not catch you when you fall

because my worth is not in you

its somewhere safe

attached like glue

Thank you to Donna Ashworth for finding the words.

As the song goes… Let’s Hope its a good one, Without any Fear…

What does constitute a good year? A new job? The birth of a baby? An ambition achieved? A year is usually up and down in peaks and troughs. There is usually some good, a small light in the madness of despair. Even though it maybe for some few minutes in a day. One guarantee in life is change. Nothing stays the same. Time moves on and even though there maybe a small change the next day, however small, it is a change.

When someone suffers from anxiety and depression they may feel that the year has been totally lost. But time is a renewal and looking forward with hope, however difficult it maybe can make that difference.

This year you could find a sense of purpose by making yourself that priority. If you were looking for a new job you would do the research about a company, you would find out as much as you could about the position. How you would travel there? What are your priorities in the working conditions? If you look on finding the help in the same way you would look for a new job position it would start to give you a sense of purpose. Make yourself and your well-being the most important job of all. Telling people that you are depressed even though you may not understand why. You maybe suffering from trauma or PTSD and not realize it. Someone you know may have recommendations. They may have had to reach out to someone in the past. Finding an inner peace and the answers to the questions of why you feel the way you do will help you move on in life. It will improve the quality of your life and all your relationships.

A therapist is a phone call away. They are trained to deal with anxiety and depression. A therapist has the resources to help you. Life changes and there is always hope. The New Year approaches.

Let us drive that fear away so you may live a happy and healthier life.

Men receive many mixed messages through their life. Is asking for help a sign of weakness or strength? Do men have to appear tough and “macho”. Is this what being masculine means? Is this detrimental to their relationships?

“Ignore it and it will go away. I am coping and if I show I am struggling it will be detrimental to my job and relationships. I have to be strong for everyone else. I don’t need any of this. It would be a waste of time”.

Men may have learned not to pay attention to their feelings. They may feel shame and withdraw from feeling any emotion. They may feel numb. “I don’t do emotions”. This is a disconnection from themselves. It may result in anger. Society teaches us that is wrong to feel anger, to suppress it and be ashamed. Anger is a result of a feeling. We can all feel hurt, disappointed, fearful. This anger and rage is pushed down in order to survive every day life. If left this can result in a deep depression, burn out, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, and a feeling of hopelessness & loneliness. To explore and try to understand how you feel or try to figure it out through therapy isn’t a weakness. It is taking control in order to live an easier life. When you work with depression you are taking control of the situation and this can be seen as a major success. Depression is telling you something. It is not a failure. It has a purpose. The message is to stop ignoring & abandoning yourself. It is a response to trauma, whether a realized trauma or an unacknowledged trauma.

“This happened in the past. How can it affect me now?”

People can respond to trauma with addictive behaviours. It is a myth that addiction is a choice. It is a myth that it is a genetic disease.

Allow the pain to exist. Respond to it and let it be heard rather than trying to obliterate it with alcohol, overwork, over exercising, over-eating. Don’t be afraid to explore this.

Ask for help, take responsibility, to work it out and begin to make a difference to your life.

Are you feeling very overwhelmed right now? It has been a very difficult couple of years with Covid, Lockdowns, and now War in the Ukraine. It can feel that there is constant overwhelming bad news in our lives. It helps to make some time away from the news and social media. Create space in your life for some downtime. Relax. Also physically moving your body helps alleviate stress and any exercise creates those positive endorphins.

On top of all the bad news you may have other personal issues that are worrying you and making you anxious. Being human we learn to fear. Fear of taking the wrong step.”Oh I can’t do that. What will happen if I make this change?” We stop taking risks and therefore we feel that we cannot change a situation or move in a different direction. We fear criticism and this can prevent us from paying attention to what we need.

Facing the truth is hard but anxiety can be a way of letting us know that the situation we are in isn’t right for us. Pay attention to what feels good or bad for you. We all need some let up from bad news, overwork, sleep deprivation. If there is a worry in your life that isn’t sitting right with you, you can do something about it. Are you hiding from a difficult truth or situation? Tap into what is going on for you. Are you hanging onto a hurt, guilt or shame? Who might you be if you let go of these feelings?

You don’t have a choice about what you are going to feel next, but you do have a choice about what you are going to do about how you feel and that requires some work on your part. Emotional awareness is inside of you, not outside of you. Are you living in fear? It’s your life. What are you living it for? Life isn’t easy and there is no-one that has an easy time of it. Give all you can to Life, pay attention and you will receive in return more than you can imagine.

If you are looking for the answers I can help you.

“Relationships are all there is. Everything else in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone” — Margaret J. Wheatley

We are all flawed, feeling human beings and in every relationship we will feel disappointed and hurt at times. If someone doesn’t call you or forgets your birthday if isn’t because you aren’t good enough. You can communicate you are hurt and angry, but there will be no resolution if an argument is created because of hurt feelings.

You have choices and you can choose to stay in a situation if the good outweighs the bad. You are responsible for that dynamic in the relationship as well as the other person. We cannot know what the other person is thinking and they may not have the same urgency as yourself, for example, to reply to a text right away or answer your call. In a relationship you can be curious about the differences, to understand and appreciate them for being the unique person they are. Is it worth breaking up a relationship because they are not the tidiest person in the world? Do they think that being tidy isn’t that important? Whereas you may feel they don’t think of me and put me first, because they won’t make the effort to be tidy, so it means they don’t care! Is it really about being tidy or is it something else that hasn’t been addressed in the relationship? Think this through and decide what are the most important traits in your relationship. Is the other person kind even in an argument? Do they put you first in other more important ways?

If you are present for each other in the relationship and able to listen, you create a feeling of safety together.

Ask what is going on in their life. Slow down and be present for each other. If you connect through a safe structure of conversation, listening and being heard with safety and without judgement; that is the solution.

Each person has a right to their own feelings and point of view and because you don’t always agree with one another this doesn’t mean the relationship doesn’t work. If we feel judged, neuroscience tell us that negativity ignites the amygdala with cortisol and you then can’t relate if you feel defended (feeling in danger). Agree to work the relationship through together. The most important task we have as human beings is learning to love someone.

If you are reading this now you are looking for answers to how you are feeling (maybe it is acute anxiety) or you wish to solve a problem in your life. (Maybe you are feeling very low, misunderstood, depressed and don’t know where to go from here).

The next step would be stepping out of your comfort zone and asking for help. Is your outlook on life hindering or helping you? It helps to look at life through a different lens. When we are born we are learning all the time. We grow. We go fearlessly ahead, learning to walk, speak, engage and interact.

Then, as we become older we learn to fear the next step, feeling unsafe or we begin to worry about what other people think.

What is right for you? Is your outlook on life helping or hindering you? Do you only see the obstacles ahead or do you see the solutions? What do you want? What is important to you?

It is never too late to ask yourself that question.

Time passes quickly and do you want to have regrets? Chances you have missed.

Are your thoughts stopping you from going forward?

The help is here to figure out the solution for you.

There is one resolution we can give ourselves this year and that is compassion. We can all relate to each other over Covid 19 and now Omicron. How it has kept us from our families and loved ones. We have felt isolated, unable to plan and follow social activities with the usual ease. We may have work issues and the anxiety over the pandemic can result in feelings of depression and loneliness. The world has changed and we are learning to be resilient going forward.

It is time to show one another compassion. Understanding why someone maybe short-tempered or being impatient in the queue at the petrol station. What is happening in their lives?

If we are curious why someone maybe acting a certain way, it can help us to understand and show compassion for them. When someone is highly stressed the negativity ignites the amygdala with cortisol and this creates a feeling of danger in the brain. With cortisol there can be no endorphins and there is a feeling of being defended.

Compassion is the highest form of human potential in any of the religions. Compassion can create better relationships shifting from judgement to curiosity and understanding.

If we can give compassion to another we can also benefit from it for ourselves. We can constantly berate ourselves for making a mistake or not being “good enough” in some way. We are all flawed human beings and compassion is accepting ourselves whatever mistakes we make or schedules we cannot keep to. Learn to be compassionate towards yourself and this gets easier with practice.

I see more clients with “Burnout” now than I have in the last few years. COVID-19 has exacerbated a 75% job burnout rate. Burnout isn’t generally acknowledged. It isn’t recognized under a medical category. A doctor would diagnose depression or chronic fatigue or acute stress disorder.

During Covid-19 the main stressors have been:

• COVID
• Personal Finances
• Current Events
• Concern over family’s health
• The Economy
• Job Responsibilities

Working for over 8 hours a day is seen as normal in today’s world. “This is what we do. We work long hours and we will achieve more”. The expectations continue. “I will get to the top of my profession if I am willing to put in the hours. They will promote me if I work more”. A client was told by their Boss that “They were disappointed in them” when they had said that they couldn’t work at the weekend after they had been working 16 hour days on a regular basis. To someone who was conscientious about their job and position this was devastating to them.

I ask Companies to look after their employees. If they are exhausted and suffering with burnout, they aren’t able to do the job you have employed them to do. Put in place measures to prevent excessive hours in the workplace. Encourage balance in your Employees lives and encourage them to let you know if they are struggling. People worry about losing their jobs in the current climate and feel obliged to work long hours. Mistakes are made when people are exhausted.

Burnout symptoms are depression, being emotionally vague, unable to care about anything. Having difficulty being present with loved ones. Deep exhaustion, anxiety, forgetfulness. Unable to sleep even though you go to bed exhausted. Aching all over with muscle tension as you hold your feelings and tension in your body.

Burnout happens to people who are hard working, honest, conscientious. Perfectionists who take pride in their work and usually have a drive to work hard and have high energy.

People in caring professions have the highest rate of burnout. It isn’t a sign of weakness or under performance to feel overwhelmed and acknowledge you are struggling.

Take a step back and evaluate how to prevent Burnout happening. How can you plan to have some balance in your life? This could entail having boundaries in your work life. Schedule your lunch time so you are able to have some time outside. Turn off emails after a certain time after work. A more flexible schedule to control work responsibilities. Talk to your Manager about your schedule. Allocate and book time for personal activities, & family time and keep to those commitments. If you make a commitment to an activity with the family you are more likely to keep to that promise if you have something specific to do. Human Beings are not machines and cannot keep going relentlessly.

Employers should strive to create a healthy company structure that values the individual as a person and prioritizes their mental health. Company leaders should be able to model and talk openly about ways to reduce stress in the workplace and when working remotely. It is too late when the employee becomes ill with burnout. They would probably need the time off work to recuperate and this could manifest itself in physical illness and mental health issues. Plan for a healthier future.