“Relationships are all there is. Everything else in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone”. Margaret J. Wheatley
We are all flawed, feeling human beings and in every relationship we will feel disappointed and hurt at times. If someone doesn’t call you or forgets your birthday if isn’t because you aren’t good enough. You can communicate you are hurt and angry, but there will be no resolution if an argument is created because of hurt feelings.
You have choices and you can choose to stay in a situation if the good outweighs the bad. You are responsible for that dynamic in the relationship as well as the other person. We cannot know what the other person is thinking and they may not have the same urgency as yourself, for example, to reply to a text right away or answer your call. In a relationship you can be curious about the differences, to understand and appreciate them for being the unique person they are. Is it worth breaking up a relationship because they are not the tidiest person in the world? Do they think that being tidy isn’t that important? Whereas you may feel they don’t think of me and put me first, because they won’t make the effort to be tidy, so it means they don’t care! Is it really about being tidy or is it something else that hasn’t been addressed in the relationship? Think this through and decide what are the most important traits in your relationship. Is the other person kind even in an argument? Do they put you first in other more important ways?
If you are present for each other in the relationship and able to listen, you create a feeling of safety together.
Ask what is going on in their life. Slow down and be present for each other. If you connect through a safe structure of conversation, listening and being heard with safety and without judgement; that is the solution.
Each person has a right to their own feelings and point of view and because you don’t always agree with one another this doesn’t mean the relationship doesn’t work. If we feel judged, neuroscience tell us that negativity ignites the amygdala with cortisol and you then can’t relate if you feel defended (feeling in danger). Agree to work the relationship through together. The most important task we have as human beings is learning to love someone.